by Rebecca Irwin

I have been really wrestling with where SELF fits into God's economy. In Oprah's economy, in our American culture at large, SELF is clearly first. But in God's Word (Mark 8:34) I read "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himSELF, take up his cross, and follow me." I enjoyed reading the paraphrase in the Message :

"Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to saving yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? What could you ever trade your soul for? "If any of you are embarrassed over me and the way I'm leading you when you get around your fickle and unfocused friends, know that you'll be an even greater embarrassment to the Son of Man when he arrives in all the splendor of God, his Father, with an army of the holy angels."

It is a daily struggle to remove mySELF from the driver's seat and allowing God to show me my true self. This includes the really ugly - the depth of my sin. But also, how I am made in His image. The way I am His creation, fully human (though broken from the Fall). I am grasping at a morsel of understanding that the self-control I read so much about in the Scripture is not a subservient role, but an action that requires great strength. It is not in my SELF's best interest to speak MY mind. Instead, there is great power in restraint.

This is just the beginning of this new area of study for me. I would love to hear other insights into this tension we feel as followers of Jesus. Today, I would like to borrow a prayer from an old prayer book I found at my favorite used bookstore before its closing. It is titled 'Bless This Mess & Other Prayers' by Jo Carr and Imogene Sorley.

Total commitment, Lord,

is getting the bills paid on time,

instead of putting it off just because it is a dull and

colorless task.

And it is a priority of stewardship,

arranging my finances so that my bills are worthy

bills.

Total commitment

is getting the kitchen floor mopped when it needs it,

or leaving it unmopped when my child needs me -

and having wisdom to know which is when.

Total commitment?

Lord, God! It's a phrase that haunts me.

Total is such an absolute sort of word-

an all-of-life sort of word-

with no little private compartments kept back for

me.

Commitment is a surrender sort of word-

a not-my-will-but-thine attitude toward every day.

I run. I shudder. I want no part of it.

So why does it haunt me so?

Why do you keep it in my mind, ringing in my other

ear?

Can't I beg off? Can't we settle for something less?

Must I agonize over all THY needy children?

Must I sacrifice?

My own burdens are enough Lord. Must I bear these

others also?

Total?

Commitment?

To Thee.

Amen.